ODYSSEY

ohhh im so sad na. daniel just went to thailand yeaterday. im really happy for him that its all taking form and he's going to get his working permit very soon. but it all seems real now that he is gone. i have no one to share secrets with now. i am an individual again and its time to stand on my own!

its almost been a week and i feel exhausted already. i mean its really bad of me to complain seeing that i've wanted this job for sooo long. but after a week of the strenuous work put onto this, i feel like i've reached my limit. i mean i feel nervous and apprehensive at work. i feel that anytime im going to do something wrong and its going to blow up in my face.
and yes it already happened last monday at work when i failed to get my hourly input and output (i missed the 3 pm oputput) and the surgical resident was up on my face screaming how incompetent i was. i wqas barely keeping it together. i had to hide in the bathroom n try to talk myself into not crying n focusing on the job still at hand. after that i wondered if it was worth it. i had every oppotunity to work for my parent's but no i wanted to be on my own. this woundn't have happend if i was at cotabato. but still i wanted this. and i wanted to be assigned in 5a. a very toxic ward with 40 patients and encounting census. i wanted to be thrown in the middle of it. i hope i can still survive this turmoil be at ease with the level of needs in 5a. i hopr its all gong to get better soon

just got the word kanina, yes its real all right! im going to start my first day of work tomoorrow on Sept. 01. all came to place when i had my 2nd month xray and it showed minimal scarring already. went to meet with tito bong and he talked with the assistant chief nurse. after i week of waiting i found out i was approved with my PE. the only downside here is that i feel insecure with these young entry level co-nurses who'll be working by me side by side. i can't believe how inept and insecure i feel. im at least 6-7 years older than they are and im still at their level. gosh! i hope i don't do something stupid tomorrow. wish me luck!

i'm so bored out of my mind! i could screeeaaaammmm! ....still no word from capitol or the other hospitals i submitted some resumes to. God! i didn't know it was this hard to find a godanmed job! im losing hope. do i take this as sign that im supposed to go back to cotabto and stay there. i can't take it there. i really want to prove myself here in manila. knowing i could stand up n my own here. and i didn't want to hear papa's tantrums everyday. so i opted to stay here. but encounting since May 10, i've been here for 3 months now. i hope there's a "kapalit" for all this

seems like my life is crashing down. i've waited a long time for this job amd now this. i thought i could't happen to me. my chest xray resulted in minimal PTB. a disease so taboo that people see u differently. like a stigma of society. people literally take a step back when they know u have that.
i was up all night thinking how my life will be affected and its going to change. im terrified to know what capitol will decide on my employment there. not only that ir will affect my chances in migrating to the US. i hope all of this will pass and that im just getting carried away.

been racking my brain and trying to decide to do the unthinkable. that is to go back to my old ways and trying it out again. i know its bad news. especially now im nearing my testing date at Capitol. but i really can't resist it. its a do or die thing.